Help!

It was the Friday get together today, which means more beer, Pretzels and lots of juice. But I was interested in really catching somebody and pakaofying him. So i got my Pretzel and glass of orange juice and went directly to where Birte and Dirk were standing.

Karin(my prof'S secy) asked me again this morning whether I would like to come back here or not. Somehow I have been very honest with everybody whenever this question has been asked. This is how I answer this question.

"Well,", with a sligh shrug of my shoulders, "if Andrei invites me, why not??"

"But why won't he?".

"Yeah! ". I sigh. "But I want to do my PhD from United States. I have also given my GRE, Graduate record examination , which is for higher studies in the US. I want to go to the best universities there."

"So which university do you want to go to?"

"Hmm...I don't know!" I hate myself when i say that. "I have applied to MIT, John Hopkins, Stanford and University of Pennsylvania. Just fancying my chances at the best". And then i smile. "I will also apply to the other places, the better ones - Duke, maybe HArvard, Georgia TEch, Michigan, Wisconsin, UCSF, ....maybe more. "

But then , as in self defence, "But I am not sure if I actually want to do a PhD or not!" Maybe I will get a good job in India, and I might leave research for ever."

But that's no self defence. That'S true. I am not sure as to what I want to do in life.

Well, about the PhD in US thing, I put that question before Birte and Dork. We had a looongg discussion for an hour and what came out was something which I knew but refused to accept.

The research is the same. The profile of your supervisors is similar. And there is little pressure in Germany due to more assured grants. The lab rotations are not needed for those who really know in which field they want to go. And I, they surmised, should know it much better thanks to my two internships and the fact that I come from one of the best colleges(duhh!!) in my country.

But even then I have inhibitions to come to Germany. The reasons are manifold. Maybe its because getting a PhD here is not so competitive and I would be working alongside a graduate from IISc Bangalore. Somehow I am afraid that it will make me feel like I have wasted the past 4 years of my life. I do not want to sound condescending here but I have always wanted to go to the best only.

Maybe its because everybody goes to the United States and says its the best place to go to. But I know their reasons. Its because they don't want to learn a foreign language. OR because they have grown up watching hollywood movies and nurtutring american dreams. Or they just want to settle there, away from what they call the 'dirt and filth' of this nation.

But I know that these are not the reasons. Deep down I know that. I want to come to States because France and Germany have both disillusioned me a little.

I do not want to go to France again. Never, never! About Tuebingen, its a beautiful place to live in. But I have never made much of my time here. I only dream about the mountain biking I will do or the swimming I will learn or the barbacues i will host or the beer parties i will throw or the camping i will do and so on.

But i have excuses for all that. Time was short. I didn't know German. Work was hectic. Not many friends.

I just don't want to give myself excuses five years from now.

Atleast by staying in the student life I am giving myself hope of being able to do all these things which i missed in my teenage years. But my getting into the corporate world, I can only think of going more into the quicksand.

One of the reasons i am attracted towards the idea of a PhD is that it allows me to stay with Science. Science - which I love, which I ve always lived with. I do not care about the money at all, as long as I get a decent standard of living. And also because I will still be a student.

Research suits my personality. I am thoughtful, independent, honest and an extrovert. I also have good leadership skills. True, some of these qualities work in the corporate world as well, but there is no harm if I could employ these in basic science. Everything is not about the money after all.

Cummon, I will be one of the youngest post graduates in IIT with a masters at the age of 22. I do not need to start working. I should see more of the world, enjoy more, understand myself before venturing out into this 'big, bad adult world!'

Or maybe I want to do a PhD because I do not want to take the alternative route - that of a highpaying job. Its competitive, its lucrative, it helps me make contacts, it gives security to my parents after they retire, it helps me stay in India!

India, the country I love, the country I want to serve!

But will it make ME happy?

Over the past two years I have observed so much hypocricy in people, especially those who take up management jobs. Maybe the lure of money made them like this. Maybe my ideals made me tilt towards the other, more unorthodox side. But I have decided that I will leave an honest life. And I do not find that honesty in wearing gawdy clothes and going to discs and hitting on girls - things which come with money. And neither do I find that in finding silly solutions to company's problems(with no offence to wannabe consultants).

And I definitely find it more fulfilling to publish 30 papers over a 20 yr old career and influence the direction of science than trying to lower somebody'S tax returns or trading somebody'S stocks online or staying in 5 stars and drinking black coffee with your american clients!

Do I sound like a man who is afraid of taking risks, of exploring new things? I am so contradictory, amn't I? On one hand I talk about being an entrepreneur which is all about risk taking and socialising and networking and being ambitious and what not. And on the other hand I run away from things by talking about going into research which has little fun, lots of frustration, and can lead to terribly miserable lives as well.

And then i reply, almost defensively, that I will go into industry later. Get some hands on experience at how drugs are made, get some money and then after several years maybe start something of my own - ofcourse in India.

Oh, you will say, just do what your heart says. Don't you feel passionate about something?

The point is - there is so little i feel really passionate about. If passion is the only deciding factor in what you want to do, then I would sit at home and watch movies all day.

I know I am not all alone. There are thousands of people like me, who do not know what they want to do in life.

But then there are also thousands more who do.

I am reading Fountain head these days. Ayn Rand condemns these aimless kind of people. She says her book is not intended for them, they can never be leaders, never make a difference to this world. Her protagonist, Howard Roark, knew that he wanted to be an architect at the age of 12.

I strongly disagree with her .Maybe thats why I want to do the unconventional and prove her wrong. Prove everybody wrong!

HELP!!!


PS: On the brighter side, I had lunch with Norah today. She is the sweetest thing on earth it seems. She is a fellow intern here and we both have the same PhD supervisor. I was pleasantly suprised to know that she is a vegetarian too. And not due to any religious reasons or cruelty to animals( my initial reason) but because she doesn't like eating meat.

I so wanted to hug her when she said that. The only person in the world I know who has given me back my reasons for becoming vegetarian.

And she made me feel ashamed when I told her that sometimes I eat chicken once in 2-3 months. She's been sticking to her resolve for a good 12 years now. And trust me, her german parents even showed her to a psychiatrist and a dietician for that.

I just love this girl :) .